Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
