omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
