you didnt know i had herpes?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You are the jesus of drinking
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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