Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
