I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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