last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
