You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
