I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
