If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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