And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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