So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
