You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
