so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
