stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
