Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Less talking, more tequila
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
