Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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