we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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