He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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