When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
