Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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