Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
