so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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