you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
