i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
