I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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