dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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