What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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