yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
