she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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