hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Randomize
