Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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