So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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