I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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