I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
