We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
