I'm so fucking centered right now
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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