I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
