I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
