i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
