Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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