found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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