you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
its liver damage thursday
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
