I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
