Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
