A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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