I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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