The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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