I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
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It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
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Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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