It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
