Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
