Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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