Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We have started to decorate penises.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
