Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
