I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime