first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.