and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"