i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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