She is in my trunk
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
