Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
